Old Ares Had a Farm
|Written By = |Story By = Steven L. Sears |Teleplay By = R.J. Stewart |Directed By = Charles Siebert |Order in Series = 122 of 134 |Order in Season = 10 of 22 |Order in Franchise= 291 of 304 |Prev Episode in Series = "Return of the Valkyrie" |Next Episode in Series = "Dangerous Prey" |Prev Episode in Franchise = "Return of the Valkyrie" |Next Episode in Franchise = "Dangerous Prey" |title cap image = }} To protect Ares from a gang of revenge-seeking warlords, Xena brings him to her childhood home and disguises him as a farmer. Summary At a local tavern, Xena approaches a table of cutthroats and puts the pinch on Allus, who admits that warlords from many regions are uniting under Gasgar to kill Ares now that they've learned he is mortal. When Xena and Gabrielle catch up with Ares, he is being challenged by Siki, a young warrior wannabe who quickly retreats when they arrive. Xena tells Ares he's in danger and offers to help him assume a new identity as a farmer. At first, appalled by the notion, Ares finally admits he's tired of fighting every ambitious warrior who comes along. Xena and Gabrielle escort him to the farmhouse where Xena was raised, promising to stay until he is settled. As she surveys her beloved but rundown childhood home, Xena recalls wonderful memories. Ares, on the other hand, is aghast at the dilapidated condition of the farmhouse and resists when Xena and Gabrielle try to enlist him in the cleanup. Back at the tavern, Gasgar decides to dispatch his army when young Siki reveals that he followed Ares and two women to the Lacoon Valley. Meanwhile, while Xena, Gabrielle, and Ares work, some things start to disappear, like Gabrielle's boots and some rags. Then, they get word from a concerned neighbor named Greba that Gasgar's army is headed their way. Xena immediately sets off to intercept him. When Xena enters Gasgar's tent, she claims she has come to present him with Ares' head on a platter. Gasgar insists he doesn't need her help but becomes interested when Xena tells him she knows where Ares is. Xena is delighted that the chimney is cleaned and a fire is burning. She says she and her brothers sat by the fire and told ghost stories. She says she misses her brothers sometimes. Ares says that the thief is still there and lists some other items that are now missing besides rags and boots, like his gauntlet. Gabrielle says maybe the thief is a ghost. .]] That night, a very leaky roof forces Xena, Ares, and Gabrielle to share the same bed in Xena's old room. Ares looks in and sees one big bed. He suggests they all three sleep in the bed. Xena and Gabrielle look skeptical but then decide they are all grown-ups. Xena and Ares spoon and spar in the bed, change positions, Gabrielle rolls over and puts her hand over Ares' crotch. Xena removes Gabrielle's hand. Ares says he is in Tartarus. The next morning, Ares is awakened by the sounds of Xena searching for her missing breastplate, which has also mysteriously disappeared. Walking around the house, they find most of their stuff (save for Ares's gauntlet) buried underground. They soon learn that the "thief" is a spirited little dog, Horace, who takes an immediate liking to Ares. Xena and Gabrielle go to get some supplies while Ares works on the roof. While working, he begins flirting with the attractive young widow Greba and even endures some backbreaking work to try to impress her. But his ego soon suffers a stunning blow when Greba rejects his advances, confessing that she views him as a much older man. As he goes back up to the roof, he falls through. Xena comes back as he relents the farm work. Just as Ares is about to flee the farm, Gabrielle shows up with a wagon full of supplies and animals. When Xena sends Ares outside to kill a chicken for dinner, she spots Gasgar's army in the distance. Rushing into the farmyard carrying a farmer's hat and clothes, she explains that she purposely lured Gasgar's army to the farm so they could be fooled by Ares' farmer disguise and diverted away from him permanently. When Gasgar's lieutenant Demetrius arrives at the farmhouse, Gabrielle answers the door dressed as a country wench and flirts shamelessly with him until Ares reprimands her. When a defiant Ares, disguised in a farmer's costume, refuses to answer Demetrius' questions, Demetrius kicks him in the gut and even begins to suspect that this farmer may be Ares. But Xena arrives just in time to insist that Ares is a much younger man. Demetrius demands that Xena put the pinch on Farmer Ares until he talks. Finally, according to his pre-arranged plan with Xena, Farmer Ares tells Demetrius that Ares was at the farm, but is now headed for the Harada pass. Satisfied, both Xena and Demetrius leave. Xena returns quickly and reports that Gasgar's army is leaving the valley. Later that day, a traveling salesman, Dempar shows up to claim his dog. Having grown very fond of Horace, Ares is crushed when he's taken away. In an unexpected turn of events, Gasgar comes upon Dempar's roadside stand where he notices the dog Horace playing with Ares' gauntlet. After questioning Dempar about where the dog found the leather garment, Gasgar and his army make a beeline back to Xena's farm. By this time, Xena and her companions realize that Horace must have taken the gauntlet and soon Greba rides up to inform them that Gasgar is on his way. Devising another plan, Xena sets out to intercept Gasgar once more. When the warlord demands to know why she's protecting Ares, an angry Gabrielle rushes in and pretending to be wildly jealous that Xena has fallen in love with Ares, informs Gasgar that Ares is headed to catch a ship to Anatolia. As the two women begin a "vicious" staged fight, the unsuspecting Gaspar heads off in search of Ares, once again in the wrong direction. Later that day, Xena and Gabrielle return to the farm with Horace, whose owner has been convinced that the dog will be better off there, They say the warlords have gone to the cave where some eight-headed monster lives and won't be back. Xena tells Ares he should try to be a farmer. He says when the chickens are all dead he will leave. Xena says if he stays as a farmer, she might come to see him. Ares goes to kiss Xena but she moves. Xena and Gabrielle bid farewell to Ares and ride off. Xena tells Gabrielle she learned that she can't look for peace in the world around you, you find it in your own heart. She says she was lucky when she was little and she's lucky now. Gabrielle agrees with Xena. Disclaimer "Ares went to the dogs in the making of this motion picture " Background Information Behind the Scenes *This episode was one of seventeen that fans selected to be featured on the Xena: Warrior Princess: 10th Anniversary Collection, as well as is subsequently considered one of the greatest episodes in history. *Philip Tallman was nominated for the 2002 Golden Reel Award for "Best Sound Editing in Television - Music, Episodic Live Action" for this episode. *Dai Henwood, who played "Battling Siki", is the son of Ray Henwood, who played the original Sisyphus in the episode "Death in Chains," and the episode "Highway to Hades." *Ares tells Greba that he'd like to swap tips on "root vegetables" with her. In New Zealand, "rooting" is a euphemism for sex. *This episode marks the final appearance of Norman Forsey, who plays the salesman (the owner of Jake) in this episode. He previously played King Lias in "Warrior... Princess" and "Warrior... Princess... Tramp." *The scene where Gabrielle rolls over and hits Ares in a very vulnerable spot had to be filmed many, many times because Renée O'Connor was trying too hard not to hurt Kevin Smith. By the end, Kevin was actively encouraging her to hit him. You can even see Renée laughing in the scene in the final cut. Key Events Goofs * So much for the "I have cut off the blood to your brain and you have 30 seconds to talk or you will die a painful death". in the opening of the episode, the guy in the tavern gets the pinch, Xena and Gabrielle go into battle and it looked like a lot longer than 30 seconds...but Xena gets to him just in time to get the information she wants and lets him live. * In the scene where Ares first finds Jake, you can see that he has food on his chest to make the dog seem more affectionate. Trivia *'Chakram Count': 1 #To get Jake down from the horse. *The dagger Xena uses to strike on the map while talking to Gasgar is the same dagger as the one in the episode, "The Convert", that Joxer accidentally killed Kryton with. Links and References Guest Stars References People Greba Deities Places Other Season Navigation de:Ares' kleine Farm Category:Parody_Episodes Category:XWP Season 6 episodes Category:Episodes Featuring Ares